You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.


Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves


Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.


If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.


(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home


son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes


Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.


Her: You need to text faster

Me: Not sure what you just sent. I’m still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago