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is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I can fix him.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!