You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Check out the legs on this baby
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.