You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….