@hippieswordfish

you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you

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@_troyjohnson

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

@MomOfTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@all_about_today

Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.

@papasuncle

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

@LostFelicia

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

@baeblacksheep

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.