you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you

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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.


Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.


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Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.


Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you


My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.


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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.