I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
marvel comics have peaked
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.