@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*

@thepunningman

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

@sixfootcandy

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@Steelers1972

You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.

@noog

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

@TheToddWilliams

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…