You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.