You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.


My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me


You’re hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, “No one will ever believe you.”


My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.


*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*


Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.