Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”
“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”
Me: [heavy sigh]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden