You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
groan^2
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could