I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.