Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*robs craft store with hot glue gun*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun