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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup