Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
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Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!
My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you