You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one