@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

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@TaleSagaLore

Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
3)Ninja
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers

@Gupton68

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

@DanMentos

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

@briangaar

Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.