@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

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@sweetmissashley

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

@TheIronSherk

Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are

@PostCultRev

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

@karencheee

Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day

@AmishPornStar1

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@krisv_723

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!

@trumpetcake

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you