10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.