You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Come back with a warrant
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.