You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

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My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.


– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America


Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.


With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.


[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.


Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.



15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race


Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim


Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog


Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.