@Nips_00

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

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@subtleapt

My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

@oakhillbargrill

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

@QwertyJones3

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@mymizztake

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

@TheAverageShark

Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim

@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.