My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”
Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.