“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You Might Also Like
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.