“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.


Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?


Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.


Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.


There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters


[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time


Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?