“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I would like even faster food.