“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Oh, I bet you would be
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*