You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.


I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face


ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*


A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.


Today I heard a guy on the street say, “It’s chowder season, baby!” so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words


Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.


Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*


Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.