You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.