@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

[on a flight]
passenger: help, he’s having a heart attack! is anyone a doctor??

my mom: *boldly stands up* my son could have been

@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

@Marlebean

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

@dad_on_my_feet

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

@NotNikk

Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck

@myonlymizztake

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

@Megatronic13

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder