You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?


[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water


I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s


As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.


I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.



Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”


Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.


You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.


You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.