@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

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@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

@AnOrangeSNES

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

@bacon_gillepic

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

@WalkingOutside

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?