You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

You Might Also Like


[on a flight]
passenger: help, he’s having a heart attack! is anyone a doctor??

my mom: *boldly stands up* my son could have been


“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”


“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”


If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor


Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck


When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.


Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.


Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno


Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder