You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.

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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside


bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”


Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.


Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.


Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise


I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.


Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up


[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?