Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
🤔😂😂
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.