My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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“Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My boss: Are you on Twitter?
Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.