You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.


Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.


Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.


a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head


I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.


This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.


HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.


So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”


Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?

Me: Put their name on my kill list.

Therapist: Please don’t do that.

Me: I’ll try to stop.

*Writes Therapists name on kill list*