@TheWriteStuff2u

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

You Might Also Like

@MomofTeen

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

@MarfSalvador

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

@BallsMcBallski

My boss: Are you on Twitter?

Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.

@fivethirtyeight

Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@bkmorrison

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.