You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
what?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.