@TheWriteStuff2u

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

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@roxiqt

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

@DaddyJew

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

@alispagnola

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@subtweetopath

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

@vault101girl

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

@theevilwriter

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

@thevaginadiary

Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?

Me: Put their name on my kill list.

Therapist: Please don’t do that.

Me: I’ll try to stop.

*Writes Therapists name on kill list*