“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
A great tip. #CakeRex
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.