You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.