You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.