You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.


wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?


Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now


Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first πŸ™‚

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*


I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.


*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*


Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.


I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!


Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.


“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag