You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.


Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”


Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.


Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.


Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.


They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon


The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.


Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”