“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”