You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]



The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.


Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.


A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy.

But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it’s a time to grieve.


If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.