@iAmJuddy

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

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@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

@myonlymizztake

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@amusedkerching

Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.

@novicefather

A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy.

But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it’s a time to grieve.

@slonej75

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.