@iAmJuddy

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

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@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@AnnietheNanny1

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

@lasergirl70

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@DevinSiebold

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@LeeryLeary

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

@miss_foofoo

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”