You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do