@Henry_3k

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

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@TweetPotato314

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

@iwearaonesie

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

@envydatropic

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Pulling my pants back up and breaking into a run as I yell over my shoulder at the swarming security guards, “CLEARLY I HAVE BEEN GROSSLY MISINFORMED ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF A CRAPS TABLE”

@stevevsninjas

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit