You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
no cat here
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.