You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find


my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”


If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.


Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.


I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English


Pulling my pants back up and breaking into a run as I yell over my shoulder at the swarming security guards, “CLEARLY I HAVE BEEN GROSSLY MISINFORMED ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF A CRAPS TABLE”


shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit