You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet


ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do


If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to


Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad


If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.


i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top


Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot