@OldUncleDaveO

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

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@astonoha

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

@sploosk

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

@WigCannon

before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do

@gwatts77

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

@lanyardigan

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad

@Staggfilms

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot