You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.