I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I’m 2/3 virgin.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
HER: this sucks
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda