You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.