@facciabella

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

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@OreoSpeedwagon_

I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.

@ArfMeasures

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@Darlainky

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

@UncleDuke1969

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda