You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

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I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.


Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed


My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”


Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me


It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.



ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.


ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda