Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Hell yeah 👍
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.