You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Thrilling chase underway
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.