@Breadery

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

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@Jennarater

I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers

@Tbone7219

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@GroperCleveland

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@msdanifernandez

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@junejuly12

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

@TripleFlip66

[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’