You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Yes my dude
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Waiting for the Charmin
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.