You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Just grow your own
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name