@briangaar

you say “sitting in your parents’ basement wearing pajamas” like it’s a bad thing

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@Darlainky

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

@LaniBeno

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

@coalslag

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

@MikeDolanVEVO

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

@Darlainky

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@TheToddWilliams

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.