You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
#oldknees
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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o
o
o
o
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[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell