Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers