You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.