A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
this is the greatest thing ever
“Pa rump pum pum pum?”
“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man