You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.