@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

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@blade_funner

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@AlisonChrista

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

@thenatewolf

“Pa rump pum pum pum?”

“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”

@DonQuickoats

Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.

@Robert_Beau

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man