You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
taking June’s advice to heart
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac