Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”