You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You Might Also Like
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
😎 🍻
happy friday
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
a public service announcement
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
How times have changed.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.