It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
date: what do you do
me: im a doctor
date: oh that’s cool
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor
Marriage is sweet, but when you marry the wrong person, it’s like COVID-19 you will be recording new cases everyday🤧
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
How to make pasta:
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Start an Italian restaurant.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*