You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
You Might Also Like
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.