“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.