@gitson_shiggles

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

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@AndyRuther

If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.

@ServiceTech_

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

@abbycohenwl

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

@sarabellab123

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

@weinerdog4life

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

@NotJPo

Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

@ventivodkacran

You’d think these people on Grey’s Anatomy would’ve already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.