“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

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If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.


Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.


Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.


how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose


Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose


I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.


Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.


wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*


You’d think these people on Grey’s Anatomy would’ve already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.