You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Danger is very dangerous
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
anyone else like Italian cereal
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
hi why am I like this
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow