You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.

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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed


It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.


Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.


It doesn’t matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.


Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs


Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends


#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’