@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.

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@better_off_dad

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@iRowlf

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

@GlennyRodge

Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.

@lyric_intent

It doesn’t matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.

@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

@BlazedDonuts

Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

@bigmacher

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’