“I need to talk to you.” Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you’ve ever done. Ever.
You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”
Make up your mind already.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Oceanography is all about current events
David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect
N: our next contestant…