You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.

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“I need to talk to you.” Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you’ve ever done. Ever.


I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.


Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!


I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone


*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*


David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]



911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”


[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…