ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..