Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
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-So you love me too?!
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
“Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background
*gets on 1 knee*
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.