@Parkerlawyer

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

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@jrvarsitybench

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

@HughGoesThere

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

@KenJennings

“Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background

@internetluke

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

@shkeeber

Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.
M: OBJECTION!

@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools