@Brentweets

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

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@Reverend_Scott

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

@FattMernandez

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

@junejuly12

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

@edgarrants

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@brycetache

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.