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@Brentweets: You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
@sofarrsogud: MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
@fishbowel: Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
@bornmiserable: ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can't die here
@tastefactory: Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
@HatfieldAnne: Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They're just being stubborn.