You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
wtf is a larm clock?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U