Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*takes your compliment*
*stares nervously at it*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.