You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.