The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
You Might Also Like
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?