@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

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@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

@squirrel74wkgn

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

@purch_s

Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

@KissabiX

“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.

@Dorkstress

Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!

@Social_Mime

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

@Sassafrantz

I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.

@

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@ElgatoEsmio

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

@pinupteacher

[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?

“No.”

*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]