Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.
Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?
Me: Just some water.
Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…
Me: Jesus did it again!!
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?
*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*