You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?