If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If you don’t mind..
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in