@JosesLovesYou

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

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@Froschauer_AF

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

@adnannhussainn

Can someone with a black suit and an umbrella watch my funeral from a distance so my family think I had something big going on in my life

@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@TheCatWhisprer

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

@craigrachel

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@drankturpentine

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

@occupied_stall

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

@abbycohenwl

Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?

@OrangeFact

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™