You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

You Might Also Like


If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it


SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no


Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer


if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”


ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.


If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.


I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate


Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in