You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”