You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

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ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.


ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.


Can someone with a black suit and an umbrella watch my funeral from a distance so my family think I had something big going on in my life


People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.


[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy


I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon


Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?


waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine


Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.


Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?


Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™